“Putting America to Work”: Thank You, Big Brother

While tooling down 95, happily, drowsily on my way to yet another wonderful day in American education, I noticed a construction sign, one of many that have popped up since the stimulus bill. (I won’t get into the daily disruptions the excess of road work have caused, namely longer and more frequent traffic jams, nor into how roads dug up, rebuilt, and repaved only a few years ago are now again being repaved.). The sign read, “Putting America to work.”

I laughed out loud when I read it. Really? I’m still incredulous. Let’s look at this on two levels.

One: Let’s just say for the moment that no nefarious, sinister, or in any way utterly disheartening meaning is behind this sign. Let’s just say that hopefully whoever is in charge of constructions signs on 95 merely has an awesome sense of humor and is attempting to brighten my otherwise dull commute or had an inferior education and doesn’t understand the import of his words.

Two: Those behind the stimulus don’t understand what they’re doing, or worse, they do understand and still proceed with it. Whether or not the stimulus bill was a good idea, and whether or not it achieved its goals (or anything close to them) is debatable and not what I want to get into right now. What I do want to address is this: The government does not create jobs. The government can not put America back to work.

A business creates wealth and jobs. For example, an enterprising individual Joe American is walking through his local Sprawl-Mart and notices the plethora of Twilight related products. Immediately he recognizes a consumer need and an untapped space in the economic market. Once this Twilight craze dies down, or at least once people who’ve been buying this crap realize that what they like is really moronic vapidity successful only at tugging at one’s heartstrings thus making the consumers of the Twilight crap to appear transparently shallow, lonely, misguided, empty, and open to any and all mindless amusement that comes down the road, there will be a massive and urgent need for large anti-Twilight incinerators. The world’s landfills will not be able to hold the unbelievable output of cheap trinkets (the books included) that the Chinese were able to achieve in their quest of global domination via supplying Americans with silly shit. So Joe American sets up his business. He receives a business loan, hires employees, leases trucks and office space, and builds his first anti-Twilight incinerator. Joe American has just created jobs and wealth for the overall economy by introducing his product into said economy.

Then what Joe American foresaw on that wonderful day – the demise of the Twilight empire – comes to pass. He is inundated with posters, keychains, books, pencils, tshirts, bed sheets, towels, underwear, temporary tattoos, iPod sleeves, whistles, razors, hats, bracelets, watches, cereal boxes, DVDs, and so much more that he immediately finds his business understaffed and flushed with cash. Joe American has created more jobs and more wealth.

The government, on the other hand, cannot do what Joe American did. Take, for example, the highways. A lot of the stimulus money went to highway work. Let’s say a stretch of 95 from Woodhaven Road to Broad Street needs to be repaved. A job that large cannot be completed with the current number of highway employees. So PennDot (I think that’s who would handle the hiring) hires X number of people. These people work, they get paid, and they spend the money on food, entertainment, cars, dryers, washers, TVs, etc. and etc. Seemingly, wealth and jobs have been created. Money has gone back into the economy and allowed to do what it does best: keeping the engines running.

But hold on a second. While Joe American’s business can last as long as his product/service is demanded (and admittedly, my silly example, though sadly never to come true, would last only as long as Twilight related products existed. Which, now that I think about it, could well be forever), the government’s money, and its ability to create more (not print more), is finite. It is finite because it relies on the taxpayer. And what a taxpayer has to give depends on the economy. If the government wants to bring in more money, it has to raise taxes. It doesn’t offer anything in return, thus creating wealth or a job, but rather takes what would otherwise be spent directly into the economy. When the stimulus money runs out, those “created” highway jobs will run out and all that can be shown for the money spent is perhaps a short-term uptick in the economy and newly paved roads (which will need to be repaved again in ten years, or when the next stimulus bill passes).

It’s been said that the government is there to do what the people can’t do for themselves. National defense is a good example. While I think the saying is too general to have any real meaning regarding the economy, I will for this discussion take the saying at face value. Perhaps the government and its spending is needed to lurch a country out of an economic ditch. But like many things in life, the economy (of a country – any country, of a state, of a city, of a business) is cyclical. And if ingenuity, dedication, and hard work are present in the work force, which they are in America’s, the economy, and the people, will recover. Yes, people will suffer, people will lose, but as much of American history tells us, they will rebound.

We don’t need anyone in Washington to put us to work. We put ourselves to work, and for just once, I’d like to see our dear representatives help us do that instead of pandering to us in our time of need. But then again, I’ve always been a dreamer.

Is I’m Going?

A scene similar to those played out on a more or less daily basis.

Student raises his hand. Unnamed male teacher sees it, sighs heavily inside, and acknowledges student.

Student: Is I’m going to the library today?

Teacher: What? (Note the incredulity in the tone. This was not an instance of the teacher not hearing the student.)

“Student”: Is I’m going to the library today?

Teacher: Is I’m?

“Student” in seemingly humanoid form: Yeah, is I’m going to the library today?

Adult male in room who fills in “Teacher” on yearly tax form: Who taught you to speak English?

Surely an alien being living in the body of a twelve-year-old: — (No response. Goofy smile on alien’s face).

Bewildered professional babysitter: Do me a favor. Take tomorrow off and watch Sesame Street. It’ll teach you to speak properly.

Second hostile alien humanoid form: (Turns to Adult Male Currently Wondering What Other Fields His Degrees Qualify Him For) Yeah, “is I’m.” Is I’m going. That’s right.

Adult Male Currently Questioning the Existence of God: No, it’s “Am I going…” (Note: For rest of Adult Male’s responses, tone of credulity and bewilderment – and even rising anger – saturates conversation, although it is masked in a deadpan tone.)

Second English Language Scholar: Am I going!? No it’s not. Is I’m going. That’s right. It’s “Is I’m going.”

Adult Male Currently Reaffirming His Faith in God But Wondering Maybe If God has An Amazingly Skewed Sense of Humor: No, it’s not. It’s “Am I going.”

Second Seemingly Full-Fledged Illiterate: How? (Said as if in response to someone telling him something which he knows to be completely impossible.)

Adult Male Currently, Mentally, In the Fetal Position: “Is I’m going” makes no sense. The correct way to say it is “Am I going.” (The simple, pure, irreducible logic and verity of this statement illogically expected to cut through idiocy presented by alien life forms.)

Second Dope Fully Convinced of His Extreme Rightness in All Things Regardless of his Actual Idiocy: No, no, it’s “Is I’m going.”

This scene may have continued for some seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, years, millennia more, but Highly Distressed Adult needed to mentally exit the battleground quickly, sensing utter defeat was inevitable and potentially permanently fatal. At least on a soul level.

The Failure of a Mom Wields a Heavy Hand

Today begins the city of Philadelphia’s offensive against distracted drivers, the latest scourge against humanity. If you are caught talking on a phone while driving a car, riding a bike, or riding a skateboard (those menacing youths on those mobile boards must be put to a stop!), you can be written a Philadelphia citation (different from the ticket you’re probably used to which is a state citation and linked to your state-issued license) for $75.
I’m not going to speculate about the motives behind this. First, they seem transparent enough, and second, what the motives are is not what is most important right here. What is most important is the overextended hand of a failed city, and the complete absurdity of what this failed city decides to punish.
But before I get to that, let’s first state the obvious: there is a problem behind this law. Next time you drive down a multi-lane road, take a look every so often at your fellow travelers (but don’t get too distracted or City Council will pass a new law against looking out your side windows). You’ll undoubtably see a number of careless drivers on their phone – either talking, texting, or with our wonderful advancements in technology, playing a game. Too often these drivers end up crashing and causing much physical, emotional, and financial damage. I know exactly what my reaction would be if a distracted driver hit me while talking on the phone. So there is a problem. But what many in government don’t realize is that just because there is a problem, it doesn’t necessarily follow that a) government should do anything about it or b) they can do anything about it. I often think of the movie Minority Report when issues such as this arise. If you haven’t seen it, the government is able to eliminate murders with the help of three people who are able to see the future. These three are able to see a murder happen before it does. What they see is fed through a computer and the police are able to stop the murder before its committed. In the end, the system is used for nefarious ends even so far as to cover up a murder. The point being that no matter the technology or will, some things cannot be eliminated. While distracted driving is nothing close to murder, the corollary still exists.

Another problem with this latest do-good initiative is the hypocrisy of it. If the city of Philadelphia was truly interested in eliminating those things that could possible distract drivers, it would ban the following: in vehicles, radios, iPods, DVD players, and talkative passengers (maybe not a bad idea), and billboards alongside the road – especially those new billboards that are essentially huge TV screens that flash a new ad every few seconds. And let’s not forget the advertisements for strip clubs. What driver isn’t distracted by a scantily-clad twenty-foot tall woman? There are dozens of things that distract drivers from the road. It’s the nature of driving. And many times it is the role of government to step in when nothing else can help. But consequences already exist for the person who decides to lose their attention in the conversation they’re having on the phone. As I mentioned earlier, there are physical, emotional, and financial consequences for getting in an accident. We must suppress the indignant anger we feel at the idiots who cause such damage to us through no fault of our own when seek to fix this problem. So while there is a problem, the city of Philadelphia needs to stick its current mission: digging itself out of its self-made mess while leaving its citizens to make their way through the aggravations and frustrations of this world.

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