Blog Reboot: Report 1

Report Number 1

Robot Number 2481632

Robot’s Location: The Depths of Endless and Meaningless Summer

Robot’s Next Location: Room 119

 

For this coming school year, my 13^th, I am introducing a radically different method in my teaching. This radical method was born of necessity and genius. As I blog about the integration of this radical method throughout the 2015-2016 school year, I think my belief that the necessity of this radical method is directly tied to my continued sanity and freedom from jails, prisons, and/or mental institutions. I’m all for doing for others, and I’ve sacrificed my time, money, and other precious things for my students, but you can’t look out for others if you’re not looking out for yourself. Sometimes cliché is the height of truth.

My radical method is this: I’m going to play make-believe.

Yes, I’m going to pretend.

Oh, it’s going to be fun.

I’m going to pretend I’m an advanced robot, one built by the best scientists in the world, an advancement in robot technology so close to the point of humanity. And I’m in charge of widgets.

That’s what I’ll pretend the kids are: widgets. So instead of looking down at my roster and seeing a lengthy list of names (many of which I can’t pronounce: sorry, kids), I’ll see a lengthy list of numbers. Widget 1, Widget 2, Widget 3, and so on.

As an advanced robot, as part of fulfilling one of my core objectives, I am able to recognize the worth of these widgets. These are not just ordinary widgets. These widgets are human beings, the most precious widget there is. And by the numbers it’s clear the widget business is booming. The thing about these widgets is that they’re so varied. Each one has such different needs, abilities, and operating systems. There’s no way one person can meet them all. So even though I recognize their ultimate worth as individual human beings, I am in service to my main objective.

My main objective is to provide a stellar education of such high quality to each widget in my classes. I have files and files of sub-objectives filed under this objective, but I will not print out all that. In order to meet this objective, there are certain programs that I have installed that allow me to do what a normal human being can’t do. One thing that humans have that I don’t, something that I can detect in them but can’t identify its exact source, something that I see in humans faces when I observe a human performing an action that according to my installed memory files could be an outworking of this motivation, is love. I cannot describe my understanding of this. I can describe it as beautiful, but that is not enough. I cannot love so I cannot feel that sort of elation. But one thing I’ve observed in humans regarding love that causes me to reprocess my former conclusions is that it often isn’t enough; or it’s used up too quickly; or it’s sold. It’s not as eternal as one could be led to believe it is. I also can’t feel the depths of this.

If I can’t feel the heights or depths of love, how can I feel the middle? I feel nothing. I rely only on my training, those files of inside and outside sources that make me who I am today. And that allows me to focus on the mission: providing an excellent education to each widget.

What this means is that if Widget 4 is a delightful widget, equipped with an infectious personality and a capacity for hard work and creative decision-making, then that is what she is, that is what I’ll observe, and that is what I’ll use as part of my evaluations of her as a widget in my classroom.

This also means that if Widget 19 is a shithead, perhaps poorly manufactured or at the beginning of a turbulent defect period, then I note that duly and ensure that I’m meeting the internal and external requirements of my job.

This also means, since I am such an advanced robot, that there are means of helping Widget 4 and 19 with their problems. Unfortunately, there are no means to solve their problems. This would make widget training immensely easier. Perhaps so much easier that a more inferior robot than I could be used to train the precious widgets.

So this is a reboot of this blog. We are now in the fourth week of school and there is much to report. I plan on bi-weekly reports regarding my attempts to educate the widgets of this world.

 

End Report